Hitting my breaking point with feeder grower frustrations

My 34w 4d LO is now 37w 4d. I am grateful that he’s been off oxygen since Dec 26 and in a crib since that day too and maintaining his body heat well. Seemingly no other medical concerns at this point. However we’ve been at the “feeder grower” stage now and tonight is the first time I feel like I’m truly snapping. He has no issue with form and swallowing from bottles per the nurses and swallow therapists (and from what we see with our own eyes), however just gets tired quickly. He’s been wavering from 25-40% feeds for a couple weeks now. We had flashes of progress where he was closer to 60%, and I was finally feeling hopeful where he had a couple really good nights (followed by sleepier slower daytime), but seemingly is back to square one and not really progressing and in fact backsliding. He’s also getting bigger (6 lb 1 oz) so they’ve been increasing his volume and it feels the goal posts are forever moving and he’s barely on the field. I am really mentally struggling and feel guilty for feeling so frustrated with my baby even though logically I know there’s nothing I can do. It is also causing strain with my husband as he has zero tolerance for me being frustrated by it or being “negative” and is projecting (in my opinion) toxic positivity. I find myself getting so annoyed when he’s rooting and super awake during diaper change and then we sit down and he goes to town for 10-20 min and then boom. Nothing. Or worse he just won’t even barely attempt some of his feeds and will only do 5-10ml dragging down his 24 hr averages massively. He’s been on the Ultra Preemie nipple as they tried to move him up to Preemie too quick and he was having issues with control and not breathing as smoothly. I think it still makes sense to stay on Ultra Preemie and don’t feel this is the issue.

I just keep fearing the “light bulb” is never going to go off for him and the last couple days is the first time I’ve felt totally hopeless like I can’t imagine him in the house. I just keep seeing baby after baby come and go while he stays the same. And if one more person tells me they “can’t imagine” having a baby in the NICU I will lose it 🙃.

Any stories of feeding growing progression after a long plateau? They need to see 80% oral feeds and then will pull his NG tube for 24 hours of ad lib feeds and then we can go home.

I think I am also just feeling sorry for myself after a difficult IVF journey to have this baby and feeling like I can never catch a break.